Recently, in a slightly idle hour, I found myself looking through a questionnaire at the beginning of one of Peter Kreeft’s many excellent books: Jesus Shock. Before I knew it, I had actually answered nearly every question in that quirky, allusive, no filter way I tend to do when I have been sufficiently sleep-deprived to no longer care about keeping a hand on my mental throttle.
And so, since this is precisely the sort of thing for which blogs were invented, I present here—not that anyone cares—my particular, impulsive answers to some questions that were no doubt meant to be taken more seriously than they have been by me. But, then again, as the great Oscar Wilde said, life is too important to be taken seriously.
Ten Personal Questions
1-3: Who do you think are the three greatest living persons in the world today?
A: 1. The Father 2. Jesus, the Son 3. The Holy Spirit (Hey, you just said “living persons”; you didn’t say they couldn’t be divine).
5-10: Name the person you turn to first for advice and help when you have problems in each of the following areas of your life: mental health; marriage; money; sex; family; work/career):
A: Ideally, in every case: God (where else?)
Theological Questions
11. Why did God create the universe?
A: Because he wanted to, and there was nobody who could stop him.
12. How can we know God?
A: Pray. (that is: ask, seek, knock).
13. What is God like?
A: God is Love. (“Karma is a word, like ‘love.’”—the Indian guy Neo meets in the Matrix Trilogy)
14. Why do you believe in life after death?
A: Lots of reasons, starting with one: Jesus tells me so (and he would know, wouldn’t he?).
15. What is the secret of getting wisdom?
A: Step 1: admit that you ain’t got it yet (“Potential is what you ain’t got yet”—Paul “Bear” Bryant)
16. How can a wicked person become righteous?
A: Whenever you are wicked, stop being wicked, and be righteous instead—true story (from the wisdom of Barnabas T. Stinson)
17. How can you become a saint?
A: Practice. Practice. Practice—just like getting to Carnegie Hall.
18. When you die and meet God and He asks you why He should let you into Heaven, what will you say?
A: That He shouldn’t; but I would say: Father, I have sinned against you—Lord, have mercy, and make me as one of your hired servants.
19. What is the Church?
A: The Bride & Body of Christ, the Son of the Living God—and there are many perks to being the daughter of a Living God (with thanks to the work of Peter MacNicol).
20. What is the solution to the problem of war?
A: As Mr. Kimball said when he found one kid eating other kids’ lunches: Stop it!
21. What did St. Paul know that you do not know that made him such an effective evangelist?
A: It is not a matter of what he knew so much as what he was: an annoyingly energetic and impatient type-A personality with, no doubt, a frequently punchable face (just ask SS. Peter, Barnabas, John Mark, & James the Just—to name a few).
22. Christianity seems to be just one religion among many in the world. How can this local, Western, Jewish, particular thing be for everyone, universally?
A: Every time you drop something, it falls one way: down, towards the center of the Earth—a place local in position but (relatively) universal in its reach. Likewise, all are made by God and for God, but if you’re gonna “drag all people to [yourself],” ya gotta start somewhere, yeah?
23. What is Christianity? What does it preach, say, claim or proclaim?
A: Christ is Risen! You can be too!
Philosophical Questions
24. What is truth?
A: “When you say of what is, that it is, and of what is not, that it is not”—Aristotle, 4th century BC philosopher
25. Define your way of life.
A: “You see that button? I don’t know what that does. All I know is, there’s a beep on this thing, and I’m trying to get us there!”—A.J. Frost, Armageddon (1998)
26. Define ‘life.”
A: For mortals, life is what you still got when YOU ARE NOT DEAD YET!
27. What is death?
A: Your state, when it was formerly known as “life.”
Psychological Questions
28. What is the end, goal, and purpose of your life?
A: “To survive is not enough. To merely exist is not enough—we want to come home.” (“The Hunted” Star Trek: The Next Generation 3.11).
29. What is your solution to boredom?
A: Find an outlet for my restless energy. Usually, that means: write something!
30. Define your true identity. Who are you?
A:”I am not what I am.”—Iago, from Shakespeare’s Othello
31. Why is your identity so mysterious
A: See previous answer.
32. What is the best cure for loneliness?
A: If I knew that, I wouldna’ be so lonely, now would I?
Helen Hackett: “Why would you want to come to our [ high school] reunion?
Antonio Scarpacci: Because I’m a lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely man.” (“Remembrance of Flings Past, Part 1” Wings 6.16)
33. What can you do when you feel tired all the time?
A: See previous answer, but substitute “tired” for “lonely.”
Two to Pull it All Together
34. What was the last command of the last apostle?
“Little children, love one another, for love is of God”—Or was it “Be excellent to each other”? (I tend to think of these things together)
35. What is the most frequently disobeyed commandment?
A: “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God…[and] thy neighbor as thyself—for on these hang all the Law and the Prophets”
So, yeah, these were my answers, minus any swear words I would be tempted to add for dramatic effect (as per Craig Ferguson’s “Sometimes only a swear word will do”). Feel free to add a comment with your own answers to these very important but not-to-be-taken-seriously questions.
Oh, and: “Part on, dudes!”
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